


Paperhat Drabbles

by orphan_account



Category: Villainous (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Animal worship haha, Bickering, Cats, Clinging, Domestic Fluff, Dysfunctional Family, Dysfunctional Relationships, Family Drama, First Impressions, Flug collects model airplanes, M/M, Mild Language, Minor Character Death, Online Dating, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2018-12-07 18:52:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11629746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A series of little one-shots and drabbles.





	1. Allergies

Online dating was a thing Flug never thought he would ever try. Demencia would just giggle and tell him that he wasn’t THAT desperate.

God was Flug desperate.

He lost count of the number of times he cried (alone) while watching How I Met Your Mother, ice cream dripping down his favourite tee-shirt and gross sobbing staining his paper bag. Demencia had confiscated his fifth tub of Ben & Jerry’s after the second episode. _It wasn’t even a sad show!_ Demencia casually reminded him every time they were at a family gathering and their mother would ask how his love life was going.

Flug was willing to try anything.

He let Demencia create his profile.

After a week of anxious waiting and another rerun of How I Met Your Mother, Flug found himself on his worn couch, shocked that anyone would even _consider_ sending him a message. Two of them. Did she lie on his profile or something, or did Demencia gloss over the details? “ _Nothing says “ **come fuck me** ” like thin, shy, wears-a-mask-to-hide-himself-from-crippling-anxiety-and-other-people, and a bachelor in engineering”_ Flug thought despairingly.

It was a simple message. Not anything gross or creepy, but something odd that suddenly left Flug with an achy heart.

_“……hey u seem nice”_

_“wAIT...Do you like cats”_

Demencia leaned over his shoulder and frowned.

“Never go for the cat guys, Fluggie. Especially if they have shit grammar.” She growled.

“Yeah? Well for two years you refused to text anyone unless it was made entirely of emoji’s.” Flug tilted his head to the left and his bag drooped slightly. Demencia shrugged and took out her phone, pretending to be busy. Flug huffed and typed out a quick reply.

_“Depends on the breed. I love shorthairs, but if it has long fur im out.  I have a mild allergy”_

Just as he sent it, his phone vibrated aggressively. Demencia jumped.

_“Fuck ur allergy. Ur gonna lov my cat. His name iz 505. That is, if u wanna go out idk”_

“NO! WAIT! Flug check his profile before you talk to that guy! He named his cat after a random number for Christ's sake! He could be a psychotic serial killer or something!” She knocked his phone out of his hand and it landed with a clang on the glass coffee table beside them.

“Jesus Dee! Calm down! I will if it’ll prevent you from breaking **another** phone.” Flug slapped her arm (the kind of slap that Demencia referred to as ‘weaker than a girl’) and swiped his now chipped phone from the table.

“Paranoid bitch.” He hissed.

“Scaredy-cat whore.” She cackled.

_Name: Black Hat_

_Age: Legal. That’s all I’m saying_

_Occupation: CEO of Black Hat Inc._

_Likes: CATS… and books? Idk just fucking talk to me you’ll figure it out. I can’t **legally** list the things I like on this site (Hint, I'm a slut for vivisection)._

_Dislikes: People in general. God knows how I put up with it for this long. Oh yeah, I’ll put God on this list too._

_Etc.: I should warn you, I am literally Satan and I am allergic to shrimp and romantic comedies._

“All right, looks like it’s time to block him.” Demencia crossed her arms.

“Why?”

“He sure sounds like a dick and/or a murderer. A dick murderer.” Flug squinted through his goggles at his green-haired sister.

“He’s a CEO who likes cats and has a dark sense of humor, and he lives close by.”

“You know what? Fuck your optimism Fluggie. You’re gonna end up having sex with a killer, or as he calls himself, “literal Satan.” She punched his arm and snatched his phone. “Lemme deal with this.”

“No! Demencia give it back! I want to see where this goes!” Flug wildly flailed his arms toward his sister, who held her phone-wielding hand in the air and climbed higher on the couch. Demencia gave an exasperated sigh.

“Nice try, shorty. I’m not going to find you raped or dead in a dark alley anytime soon.”

“Dammit Dee, I’m not a kid anymore! I can handle myself!” Demencia rolled her eyes and tossed the phone at Flug. He let it hit him and land on the floor.

“Whatever. Don’t haunt me in the afterlife. I warned you. Why do you even wanna go out with ‘Satan’?”

“I don’t know. He’s just the only guy who’s ever been interested…”

“You’re a desperate whore.” Demencia rolled her eyes and leaned her head against his shoulder. Flug cringed and shoved her off.

 ~●~●~●~

 

“So… what do you do in your spare time?” Flug timidly asked the Eldritch before him _. He wasn’t lying when he said he was Satan._ Flug and Black Hat were sitting across from each other at Red Lobster ( _Of all places!_ Demencia had groaned) and he was having a hard time relating to the ancient demon.

“I condemn innocent souls to the fiery depths of hell.” Black Hat responded nonchalantly, waving his hand in a dismissing manner. He paused and observed the smaller trembling human a bit more carefully.

“I… I like reading.” Black Hat cleared his throat. Flug let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Which author do you like? Or genre, if that’s too difficult to decide, since mine’s a tie between Poe and Joseph Heller.” Flug quickly latched on this new topic, trying hard to avoid the subject of Hell.

“Lovecraft and Vonnegut. I like the darker things; they tend to have a more… genuine feel to them. Much better than the fantasy nonsense.” Black Hat finished. Flug swore he could feel Black Hat staring into his very soul. Black Hat smirked.

“Why do you wear that bag? I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re soul isn’t tarnished.”

“Why do _you_ wear that hat?” Flug snapped. He internally kicked himself for sounding so defensive. Black Hat frowned.

“I’ll answer truthfully if you do. It is one of the only things keeping my physical form human. If I were to take it off, you and everyone in this poor excuse for a restaurant would go insane and tear out your eyes in agony.” Black Hat growled.

“Then why did you set the date here if it's 'a poor excuse'?” Flug raised an eyebrow beneath his bag.

“I like the garlic bread. And the shrimp, even though I’m allergic to it. It’s to die for. Literally. I've gone into anaphylactic shock about seventeen times in two weeks.” Black Hat shrugged. “Now tell me why you wear that bag.”

“Pushy, aren’t we?” Flug pulled at the hem of the bag nervously.

“I’m the living embodiment of evil. I don’t exactly care about flaws or scars, and I certainly don’t mind being _pushy_. I love watching you squirm.” Black Hat chuckled darkly. He watched Flug closely. Flug felt like a mouse caught in a trap. Any second now and he’d be killed. Or worse.

“Anxiety. Crippling self-consciousness. Does that answer your prying? I can’t even take it off near my own family. They haven’t seen my face since I was fifteen, and I’m twenty-five now.” Flug shuddered.

“And that’s why I like you. The fear just radiates from you. I could be well fed for centuries. Or at least until you die.”

“You’re very charming, you know that?” Flug rolled his eyes. Demencia was right. A dick-murderer.

“Good luck pulling a second date from me.” Flug huffed and left his seat. Later, he would cry while he clung to his sister, terrified that he stood up the king of hell.

 

 ~●~●~●~One Year Later~●~●~●~

 

“Fuck you Black Hat. It’s two in the morning and I’m not putting up with your bullshit.”

“ _Fluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuug_ I’m lonely. Cuddle me.” Black Hat moaned and slithered closer to Flug, lifting the blanket. Flug hissed at the sudden intrusion of cold air.

“Fine. Just don’t be weird about it. I’m still sore from yesterday. You don’t go easy.” Flug grumbled and Black Hat grinned.

“You’re so bossy at night.”

“Because I deal with this shit.” Flug rolled his eyes.

“Yikes. You complain that _I’M_ an asshole.” Black Hat laughed, crawling beneath the covers to spoon against Flug. Flug smacked Black Hat’s thigh ( _weaker than a girl!_ Demencia would probably tease). Black Hat’s cat 505 was curled up at their feet.

“Well Dee and I _just_ moved in with you and I’m exhausted. You haven’t left me alone for a second.” Flug finally giggled when Black Hat nuzzled against his neck. “And you did say that I’d get to be the big spoon this time.”

“I never did.” Black Hat narrowed his eyes at Flug playfully.

“Dick.”

“Whore.”


	2. Black Cat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured since "Black cat" was a drabble, I should move it here, delete the old post and make this story a single drabble/oneshot collection.

“You got a cat!? No fair! Black Hat never lets me keep my reptiles!”

Demencia found a soaking Flug petting the little ball of damp fluff in the living room. Flug jumped at the sudden intruder. He squinted at her through his goggles and pushed his wet drooping bag higher up his face.

“Demencia that last time was an American Alligator!”

“That’s still a reptile.”

“Yeah but it ate important contracts! Remember how pissed Black Hat was? And remember the incident with the kimono dragon and our highest-paying client? Or the one with the African rock python and the Swedish government somehow got involved? Oh yeah, we can’t forget about the boa constrictor sneaking in during our weekly broadcast. I was in the ER for a while.” Flug scowled beneath his bag. Demencia stopped on the ground and gritted her teeth. Flug sighed.

“Whatever… Besides, I’m not keeping him. He’s a stray tom. God knows what diseases or pests he carries. It’s just been raining for so long I doubt he’ll be able to feed himself. It’s just until the storm passes…” Flug murmured, stroking the cat’s long pale fur. It had been storming for a solid week, and the street outside was already flooded. Flug had to wear tall rain boots to just stand in the front yard, and even then he’d still come inside with wet socks. Demencia huffed and crossed her arms.

“Well, if he stays you’ll have to hide him from BH.”

“Are you kidding? Of course I will. But how will I hide it from him? He sheds a lot” Flug groaned, lifting his now hairy glove to show Demencia.

“Hide what from me?” darkness filled the living room. Flug jumped in fright and threw his lab coat over the white tom.

“U-h n-nothing Jefecito!” Black Hat grabbed Flug by the collar and lifted him off the ground.

“You work for me, therefore, you hide nothing from me!” he roared shaking Flug like a ragdoll. Demencia winced. The cat yowled and wiggled from underneath Flug’s coat. Black Hat startled and dropped the wheezing scientist. He pointed a shaking claw at the dirty white tom.

“WHAT IS THAT?” The cat meowed frantically as it waddled over to Black Hat. Black Hat hissed and jumped back.

“Flug! Christ, it’s attacking me! Get your- your THING!” He yelled jumping onto the nearest item, a couch, which the tom had no problem getting on as well. Demencia was cackling and Flug awkwardly held his sore neck.

“Jefecito… That’s a cat. Y-you’ve never seen a cat?”

The cat wailed and somehow squeezed his way onto Black Hat’s lap. Black Hat looked like he might die of fright. Or disgust. Or both.

“What’s it… FLUG! FLUG WHAT’S IT DOING?!” Black Hat shrieked as the tom began purring and gently pushing his thighs.

“Uh… That’s called ‘kneading’ sir. I’m not 100% sure what it means, but I-I think he… l-l-likes you.” Flug blushed a little beneath his bag. To see his boss intimidated by something one third his size… was definitely kind of funny (and Flug would defiantly get punished later for even thinking about laughing).

“I! Heh ha-ha! I wish I had my camera!” Demencia screamed. The tom laid his ears back and growled at all the noise. Black Hat growled as well, but it was mostly directed toward Demencia.

 

\---Two Days Later---

 

“FLUG! Did you know how soft Black Cat is after his bath?!” Black Hat shouted from across Flug’s lab, aggressively stroking the tom’s mane. Black Hat decided that his magnificent companion would need an equally magnificent name, so he chose Black Cat (even if Black Cat was white).

“Jefecito I’m glad you’ve warmed up to him… but don’t you think you’ve taken this too far?!” Flug exclaimed exasperatedly. Black Hat frowned and looked up from his majestic feline.

“The cat has over a hundred toys! He has his own room! His food bowl is gilded! You personally make him his own dinner!” Flug cried.

“So what?

“I…” Flug stared at his boss in disbelief as Black Hat raised the tom in the air lion king style and cooed.

“GOD HE’S SO SOFT!!! Who’s a good killer? You are! You are!”

“K-killer?” Black Hat glared at Flug and held his cat close to his chest.

“YES, A KILLER. THIS LITTLE MONSTER KILLED SIXTEEN RATS IN FIFTEEN SECONDS! HE DESERVES PRAISE! ATTENTION! And treats- who wants a treat?” Black Hat took a treat bag from a pocket in his overcoat and dangled it in front of the cat that insistently meowed.

“Rats? WAIT THAT’S WHERE THE RATS WENT?! BLACK HAT, THOSE WERE MY SUBJECTS! THAT PROJECT TOOK MONTHS!”

“I know! Such a diabolical little bastard, isn’t he? Yes he is! He causes destruction and mayhem where ever he goes, doesn’t he?” Black Hat said in a singsong voice.

“Good Black Cat! Good little fiend!” Black Hat actually giggled. Demencia burst through Flug’s door- he swore he heard it break- and complained vociferously.

“Flug! BH! Have you guys seen my bearded dragon? I left her in my room but now I can’t find her. 5.0.5. didn’t see her either, and we checked the whole house. ” Demencia cried. Black Hat cackled and a grin split across his face.

“Yes, I saw her.”

“Really?! Where?!” Demencia, on the verge of tears, lit up instantly.

“Her half-eaten carcass is under my desk in my office. Don’t worry; I’m sure Black Cat made quick work of her!” The cat licked its lips in agreement.

“NO! WHY WOULD YOU LET HIM?! FLUG, DO SOMETHING!” Demencia wailed, frantically waving her arms at the lanky scientist. Flug made a tiny noise of discomfort and shrugged.

“I-I told you not to get lizards…” Flug offered. Demencia sprinted up to him and punched him in the stomach.

“Put a little more effort into it.” Black Hat snickered as Flug curled up in the fetal position on the tiled floor.

Flug decided he’d never help another stray cat again.


End file.
